“A person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside of the parents’ culture. The TCK builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership of any.”
I am a TCK. No new revelation there. I’ve been reading this book – ‘Third Culture Kids – The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds” that reads like some kind of psycho analysis, or self therapy. Not my typical kind of book.
I know it’s easier for me to get up and move because I’m “rootless”. Since graduation not even 3 years ago I’ve had 4 jobs in 4 different countries. I know I’m more independent because I’m a TCK. First plane ride alone I was 4 years old, 12 hours from London to Tokyo. Yes I’m lonely. Yes I have no home. Yes I have identity issues. Yes I feel uncomfortable in my “home” country – make that home countries. Yes I have confused loyalties. Yes I can be judgmental of those who haven’t had the culturally rich upbringing that I had. All things I know. No new revelation.
But here’s the question. Do other people know this about me? Do my friends know why I balk when they call me American or why I get antsy when people ask “Where are you from”?
Sitting at dinner with Simone and Angelica, I read them this passage - “Like most other TCKs, when someone asks Erika that question, her internal computer starts the search mode. What does this person mean by “from”? Is he asking my nationality? Or maybe it’s “Where were you born?” Does he mean “Where are you living now?” or “Where did you come from today?” Or does he mean “Where do your parents live now?” or “Where did you grow up?” Actually, does he even understand what a complicated question he asked me, or care? Is he simply asking a polite “Let’s make conversation about something while we stand here with shrimp on our plates” question or is he really interested?”
Sim & Ange said they understood me better having listened to that passage. So maybe it’s just that while in the past few years I’ve started to understand myself more and been able to answer the question “why do I DO that?”, I don’t appreciate that the people around me have completely different perspectives. Even if I know why I do certain things or feel a certain way, they don’t. What’s natural to me is peculiar, or abrasive, or weird to them. And I shouldn’t act like they should understand, or they should know better.
My favourite quote comes from a writing sample from a TCK stuck in the Appendix – “I am halfway through thinking cynically that if communication can’t be achieved between individuals, then it must be truly impossible across cultures, before I remember I am communicating across cultures – that is the problem”.
2 comments:
I'm amazed that you realized that you shouldn't act like others should always understand where you're coming from. It's not always easy to come to that conclusion especially growing up the way you have because your upbringing has also brought you tons of different perspectives. But there's always more to learn and understand about others and even yourself. I've learned the same thing you have recently as well and it's also taught me to be less judgmental. Yes I admit it, I guess I can be judgmental at times, but I guess its also part of my upbringing. I find it funny that we can learn similar lessons being worlds apart. It just goes to show that even when we're in the most opposite areas of the world, human beings and some our own experiences aren't really so vastly different. At least that's my interpretation, maybe yours is different and that's ok.
I met a politician once who was Jewish in an intensely Christian town. When he'd moved there, his realtor had asked what church his family attended. "We actually go to synagogue", he told her. She nodded: "That's a lovely church."
Which is why he warned me, when I was just beginning to get to know people, that they would ask me the same question. "They don't mean anything by it", he told me. "They just want to know that you have a community. That you're rooted. And it's the only way they've ever needed to ask that question."
I think it's the same when people ask where you're from. No malice, of course, though you knew that already -- just an accidentally uncouth way of asking what your frame of reference looks like. Those with better intuition might ask where you went to school.
Cliff's point is well taken, too. You may be in Uganda just now, but your blog has readers around the world. Just that you have no geographical home does not mean that you have no people. You're ours, we're yours; we just don't have a default language to use when theming your birthday parties.
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